"When perfectionism is driving us, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying back seat driver." -Brené Brown, Daring Greatly
I left off my last post talking about my thesis meeting and how perfectionism played into not only the work I was able to accomplish but also my mindset and mental attitude towards myself and the work I was doing.
This post I'm going to talk more about what perfectionism is and what it can lead to, not only in the music lesson, but in life and health too.
Hi, my name is Elizabeth Wolfrey, and I am a perfectionist. I set unrealistically high standards for myself and when I "fall short" of those unreasonably high standards, I interpret that as failure. I am afraid of failure and the rejection that so often goes along with it. My perfectionism enables me to avoid rejection, feeding me the narrative that if I never make mistakes then no one can say I'm doing it wrong, because if I don't put myself out there then no one will see my flaws. If no one can see my flaws then I can't be rejected and I can't fail.
But wait! Isn't setting high standards for yourself a good thing? Isn't wanting to strive so high a good thing?
Yes and no. It depends on the person and the extent to which it [perfectionism] affects them. There is little flexibility in perfectionism. Perfectionism isn't healthy growth and development. Perfectionism is a lot of pressure and it's shown to hamper achievement.
In fact, a paper published in 2003 by Hewitt et al. found that people with perfectionist tendencies also had higher incidences of low self esteem and self-related and interpersonal distress, reporting higher rates of anxiety, depression, and eating disorders. In their work, they found that one motivation for perfectionist tendencies involved a lack of interpersonal connection that drove attempts to gain approval, caring, respect, or sense of belonging from others.
Perfectionism vs. the Pursuit of Excellence
Perfectionistic people typically believe that they'll never be good enough, that mistakes are signs of personal flaws, and that the way to be accepted is by never messing up, making mistakes, or letting the mask of perfection come off.
Have you heard this in a lesson with a student or said this about yourself?
Should, Must, or Never statements:
I shouldn't have made that mistake
I must play this perfectly
I'll never win a job if I can't get this right
If I want it done well then I'll have to do it myself
All or nothing thinking:
Less than perfect isn't good enough
If I make a mistake then this take is worthless
Obviously I haven't practiced enough or it would've been right
I lost the audition so I must suck
Catastrophizing
I'll be humiliated and everyone will laugh at/judge me
My teacher will be disappointed in me
They will think I am {insert negative adjective about self here}
I'll never get a job or be hired to do this
"Real acceptance doesn't come from being above criticism, it comes from putting yourself out there, and realizing even with your flaws, you are enough. You have something to contribute and it might take time but if you wait until you're perfect until you even begin you're going to deprive the world from a lot." -Brené Brown
[[I really thought this was going to be a 2 part post but I think I'm going to save my tips on beating perfectionism and how to help students stuck in the cycle, so check back for part 3!]]
Further reading and resources:
Dani Donovan comics and about: https://www.adhddd.com/
Brené Brown "Why Your Critics Aren't The Ones Who Count": https://vimeo.com/78769611