I think most musicians have a hint of perfectionism in them but some of us struggle with it more than others. Why is it so hard to just let go?
There's something magical about getting a new piece of music in the mail. You know that feeling of excitement and possibility before cracking into a new work. You open the score for the first time and it smells like a new book with crisp pages and fresh ink, no rogue pencil markings...yet...
If you're anything like me, you sit down to the new piece optimistic and excited and start to dig in. And for a while things are good and progress is as expected... and then my timeline starts to shift and with it, my conception of when and what "performance ready" sounds like.
In my first post on perfectionism I'm going to center my experiences and how my perfectionism has affected my music career.
There's this quote attributed to Leonard Bernstein, "To achieve great things, two things are needed: a plan and not quite enough time." And though I've felt this quote has always been more appropriate for my academic papers and work, it definitely has felt true with repertoire I've worked on too!
I remember one day in my sophomore year of undergrad, I got up early and went to sit in the coffee shop of the library to do a little bit of work before classes for the day. One of the tasks on my agenda was listening to a recording of my practice from the day before; this was a task I hadn't sat down to do before, but I had just read somewhere about the importance of recording yourself and listening back so I figured I'd give it a try.
What I didn't expect when I hit play on the recording was the feeling of self loathing and hatred that was about to engulf me.
THAT is what I really sounded like?
I was shocked. Disgusted. Repulsed. Stunned by my own hubris prior to listening to myself and what I "really sounded like."
In other words... I started to spiral. I can't remember exactly what I expected listening to myself but it felt like the rug had been ripped out from under me. I vowed to practice longer and with a renewed intensity.
At the time I didn't know I had ADHD, but now that I know I do, I'm less surprised by my reaction listening to myself AND how my practice changed after I made it a regular practice to listen. I'm also more aware of how my perfectionism plays into my practice and academic work. Here's a little list of things that are linked or often linked to perfectionism, you may recognize these in yourself or even in some of your students:
- Procrastination: inability to start, fear of starting, etc. terror of the blank page, wanting it to be perfect from the start
- Missed deadlines: getting hung up on detail work because it's "not quite finished"
- Pickiness or difficulty making decisions: often for fear of picking the "wrong thing"
- Conflating mistakes made or perceived failure with self worth (lots of negative self talk like "I hate myself" or "what is wrong with me?! Why can't I just get it right!?)
- Ruminating: obsessive thoughts over what could've gone better, could've been done differently, etc.
- Unwilling to try/take risks due to fear of failure: conservative playing, obsessing over details, stopping when a mistake is made and restarting
- Frustration because whatever is being worked on isnt' "coming out right" or "sounding right" or doesn't live up to the idea in my mind of what it should be
- Emotions: emotion dysregulation is also super common with ADHD and when mixed with perfectionism, can create the perfect storm for a neurodiverse student
There are so many more things my perfectionism sneaks into but those are what immediately springs to mind. Do any of these sound familiar to you personally or you recognize in some of your students?
I'll end this here for now but stay tuned for how I dug myself out of the perfectionism hole and how I help my students navigate their own perfectionist tendencies.